made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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