i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
