Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
