I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
That accounts for only three of the penises
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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