Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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