I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize