I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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