Umm I'm too high to move.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
