Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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