girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
