also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
