do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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