sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
