So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
