My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
