I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
