you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
