Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
