Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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