my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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