we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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