Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We talked him into tasing himself.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
