Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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