He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
