Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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