I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
