like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
