Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
