I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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