just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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