did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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