you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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