Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
