it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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