Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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