Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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