I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drunk is not a location!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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