Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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