hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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