so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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