i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
