He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
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It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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