New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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