I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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