theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
