Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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