Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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