I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
