im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
