He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
So. Much. Porn.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
