No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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