I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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