So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
