Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
