I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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