Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
