bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
