YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
