You're completely useless in the revolution.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
