cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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