I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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