Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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